Alcohol

Posted on 1 min read

I’ve never stopped liking alcohol. Alcohol just stopped liking me. Nowhere is this more obvious then after a birthday. A day to both consume and compare yourself to a previous version. At 36, it only takes a handful of drinks to have me pacing around in the middle of the night with a racing heart and pounding headache. These days I try to outsmart myself by falling asleep with a stomach full of Advil and Ativan. I always assumed it was a conscious choice. People got older and they became more mature, and with that maturity came responsibilities, and so naturally they felt compelled to cut down on their drinking. …

The Divine Masculine

Posted on 2 min read

I was asked recently about my interpretation of the divine masculine and the divine feminine. I’m not sure I’ve ever personally experienced those things. When the surface is stripped away, what’s left for me doesn’t really feel attuned to men or women. The fears, wants, and needs just become shockingly human. And sometimes not even that. That feeling of neutral human commonality resonates with my own childhood, before I realized the societal differences between men and women. And so I watched closely, and then emulated it, and then forgot that it had even started as emulation. After I came back from Peru two years ago as a bag of broken …

The Loop

Posted on 1 min read

I woke up terrified of things I don’t understand. It’s a Saturday. I was supposed to sleep in. But instead my thoughts are turning over and over, getting caught in the same corrupt loop. A well-worn half-baked control mechanism, but it doesn’t stop me from doing it. Today, the loop goes like this: Time is relative. Our past, present and future existing simultaneously. Blackholes absorb light, stretching time to a standstill. Our galaxy has a billion-sun density black hole at it’s center that we swirl around. This black hole will grow until it inevitably reaches out and we pass it’s event horizon. Therefore, if past, present and future exist in …

Envy

Posted on 1 min read

Sometimes my reactions startle me. I found out today that a close friend got some important news: his daughter (who lives in South Africa) will probably come live with him in Minneapolis. He was so excited that he didn’t eat all day. Literally, all day. “You’re going to see a new side of me,” he said. And I get that. It’s an event you never think will come. You resign yourself to living away from your child. And then suddenly, the possibility of raising them is very real. I can imagine that’s crippling. Along with the happiness and relief that I felt for my friend, I also felt envy, anger, …

A Simple Flight

Posted on 1 min read

They hand me a small disposable Purell Wipe as I board the plane. It’s a nice touch.  The entire boarding process is so remarkably smooth that the only changes I register are the anonymity of masks and the palatable decrease in cortisol being released on a plane where overhead isn’t a precious commodity and the flight attendants aren’t engaged in a Sisyphusian task of boarding an over-sold flight and getting it out with just enough time to allow another crew to scrape by the skin of their teeth. I know it’s not economical. I know it’s not practical. I know it can’t be maintained. But there is a calm that …

August, Again

Posted on 1 min read

On cue, in the tail end of July, seasonal allergies explode inside my head. Growing up they called it hay fever. It happens when things start to die. Which means I was fine in the Spring. But in the Fall, everything breaks loose. All those fields of plants drying and browning in the sun with no concrete and glass to slow it down. More than anything hay fever reminds me of youth and home. They make me reflect on how my home was probably never a place I was made to live. I don’t remember having allergies in Europe. But here they’re crippling. Millennia of my inherited inoculation means nothing …

Sand Mandalas & Break-Ins

Posted on 2 min read

My car was broken into just now. It’s the 3rd or 4th time since moving into my house. This time they grabbed the prescription glasses from the center console, which is an asshole thing to do and I guess so sort of a last straw on the matter. The petty crime of daily life. It reminds me of Madrid. Or Prague.  For the longest time I couldn’t figure out what was going on. I lock my car all the time. And now I’m reading an article about tech that allows you to echo the signal from a fob inside your house. A repeater. I need to move my keys away …

Defense Mechanisms

Posted on 1 min read

Quarantine is so fucking predictable for me. Caught in a house with books and music I’m slipping deeper and deeper into mental introspection… And so why fight it? Maybe that’s all getting older is. Not fighting so much. Because I still feel mostly the same things I did when I was younger. I just move through them a little different.   Defense mechanisms get a bad wrap because they often mature into maladaptive adult behaviors. Things that kept you safe from pain eventually hold you back. If there’s any doubt if this is something I’ve struggled with, I wrote an entire novel (Gen Y) about the topic. So, yeah, no …

Sunday

Posted on 1 min read

After a week of chaos, the quiet of this weekend is unsettling. I don’t know if it’s getting back to Minneapolis from Denver, or that the weekend slows down the tap of news and market data, but things seem suspiciously subdued. It’s quiet. Like a normal Sunday. But this is a forced imposed quiet. Maybe that’s what I need. It doesn’t feel natural. I don’t know if I like it. And what you like isn’t always what you need. I will say it’s nice to see everyone washing their hands when they leave the bathroom for a change. …

It Starts

Posted on 1 min read

Ozo coffee shop on Pearl St. in Boulder is the quietest I’ve ever seen it. All the tables are normally overflowing, and the cacophony of conversation covers up any of the ambiance. But today, half the tables are empty and I can clearly hear Dr. Dog playing over the speakers. So this is how it starts. Whether warranted or not, the fear has become very real, even in this landlocked city. And when the fear is real, the effects are real. I’m supposed to go to Germany next week for my daughters eighth birthday. I can feel that opportunity slipping away from me. Missing another birthday. That’s real. Someone in …