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2022 – In Review

Posted on 2 min read

I’ve been told life moves in seven year cycles. ‘How strange’, I thought back then. In the early summer of 2015 my daughter moved to Germany. That began a period of my life that I stumbled my way through like a fork caught in a garbage disposal. For nearly seven years I thought I had hit rock bottom time and time again. And maybe I did. Rock bottom, over and over. But I don’t think rock bottom is enough. It’s not enough to scream in the mirror, “I want to change! I want to love myself!” It’s in daily behaviors that I show respect for myself (or not). It’s what …

Religion

Posted on 2 min read

I’ve been going to church the past two weeks. It’s been 20 years since I’ve gone to a church of my own accord. I’ve thought about doing it many times, but never actually dragged myself out of the house on a Sunday. The church is within walking distance of my house (even on frigid slick mornings). The church itself is a beautiful sweeping Luthern church. Austere by Catholic standards, but still ornate compared to the Lutheran churches in Northern Minnesota, which were all heavy wood and sharp angles, and intimidating like the mountains. The sermons were about compassion and self-love, respectively. They both touched on the inherent trait of doubt …

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2021 – In Review

Posted on 1 min read

It feels like a full year. And for that I’m grateful. I’ve come to realize don’t need things to feel perfect, or even ‘good’. I just need them to feel full. I’ve heard people say that the perception of time speeds up as you get older because each year is a smaller fraction of the whole. 1/36 being naturally much less than 1/10. There’s an elegant logic to this. But I don’t think it’s true. It doesn’t explain why 15 months in Prague or Madrid feels like a decade, but my years of high school loneliness have merged into something indistinguishable. There’s a different theory regarding time: that our perception …

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Dialectic

Posted on 1 min read

If there’s one drum that my therapist beats over and over, it’s the dialectical. And I find it as grating, as I do, true. Given that much of my innate nature tends towards the extremes. Take even something like judgement. ‘I shouldn’t judge’, (a statement with it’s own self-contained judgement). I often find myself believing this statement. And yet, there are times when I do need to judge. I need to judge to determine if I’m safe or if I should move forward with a business transaction. But it can also be blindness. You start to see things not as they are, but through the lens of your dream. And …

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Dog Days

Posted on 1 min read

The dog days of summer. The leaves are finally beginning to turn. And only now at the furthest places from the ground. It reminds me of the gray hairs I find around my temples. As cliché as it is, I can’t help but see my own fate in the changing leaves. Optimism and energy in the spring, contemplation and curiosity in the autumn. I feel on the cusp of something. But what, I have no idea. Maybe that’s why it’s so much easier to pretend that nothing changes when you’re in a warm season-less place. Not matter the age, we’re young, shallow, and joyful. That’s probably envy I feel. Maybe …

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Leonhard

Posted on 1 min read

There’s a beautiful walking path near my apartment in Germany. On this path is a small garden with a bench and shade. It’s a memorial. In the place are small gravestones. My daughter and I use it as a backdrop for making a home movie about time travel, dinosaurs and zombies. It’s only as we’re filming that I begin to read the simple graves. 10 men. Everyone died in 1945. And I realize what it is. The youngest are 17 and 18. The oldest are in their early forties. She must be able to sense my interest, because she asked me how they died. I explained they died in a …

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