The Day After

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I woke up hoping to find a new perspective, that things would seem more optimistic with sleep and the light of morning. Instead the mental vomit continues, now seeping into my extremities. I knock over a carton of milk, and walked into a doorway, my body refusing to work. There’s static in all of me: ...

Court

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The feelings in preparing to walk into a court hearing are unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. As a I sit outside the door, waiting to be ushered in, there’s a screaming in my ears so that I can’t hear or think of anything else besides what’s rushing towards me. And yet everyone and everything in ...

SF, Again

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It’s been a while since my last business trip. As result my tolerance is high for getting up early, fighting the road warriors for an outlet at the airport, and waking up on the plane with neck pain. It feels good to be back in SF. How a Best Western in San Mateo can cost ...

White Noise

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I’m having nightmares again. But not the predictive nightmares of murder and terror. These are of the type where almost nothing happens. They’re regular interactions and they make my heart ache. I have a dream where my grandmother, who died last year, is showing a quilt that she made to my daughter. She explains that ...

Detroit (Briefly)

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Landing in Detroit is oddly beautiful. The farms are small and divided in weird angles, and it looks more like Germany, than the perfectly efficient and boring farms I grew up around. The land itself is green and blue and lush, and bears no resemblance to the city itself. From up here it’s all hauntingly ...

Not Enough

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I cry on most of the flight home and I don't know why. Not weeping, just eyes watering, falling on the pages of the book I'm trying to read, or caught subtly in my sleeve. I can't say for certain why it's so hard for me. This isn't a new trip for me. ...

Where We Come From

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My hotel, the Schloss Wilkenhedge, is a “water castle”, which is a small castle surrounded by a moat in the countryside. After dinner, usually around 9 or 10, while the sunset is still intense, I go for a walk through the forest near the hotel. The trees in the forest are tall and thin, stretching ...

German Child Services

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I'm sweating through my jeans in a hallway in Germany. I'm alone in the hallway, there's an empty wooden chair to my right. I came here unannounced, and they've stuck me out here because they don’t know what to do with me. The corridor is thin and lined with rooms. I can hear voices come ...