In This Moment, I Know

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My daughter is sick. We go to the zoo but she refuses to walk, and so I carry her on my shoulders. She won't speak, but only points at things she wants. Eventually she points to a bench, and we sit down. She sits a few feet way from me, but as she get more ...

A Defense Mechanism

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My thoughts return to a repeated question: are we born to be happy, or is it a learned behavior? I don’t want to know from some study of lab rats, or by analyzing people who have suffered traumatic brain injuries. I simply want to know anecdotally, in my own life. I remember being happy, and ...

Balance It Out

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I feel like a man possessed. I find myself drifting back down 17th St. in Denver. A place I lived only briefly, but where I felt a rare connection in a city that has the depth of an also-ran Dubai. I write for hours in cafes and bars, and look back on what I’ve written ...

Feel Better

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I forgot for a long time why I ever started writing in the first place. It wasn't to keep the memories for longer than they would float in my head, and it wasn't to share the writing with others. It was simple; it made me feel better. It kept me from circling the drain: it ...

Drunken Rat

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A while ago, for a number of situational reasons, I decided that I had had enough of living in the least communicative life I had ever occupied. It consisted mostly of me running around like a drunken rat during work hours, and letting unspoken things dominate my personal life. I became a high-functioning nervous wreck, ...

A Younger Me

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Middle age comes on hard. People like to say it's a state of mind. I don't disagree, but there are elements that are unavoidable, regardless of your mindset. I often times think about what I would say to a younger "me". It's seems like such a waste that despite all of the mistakes I've made, they will have ...

Giving up the Ghost

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From November, 2015: What am I missing? What am I not seeing? I'm in a club so full of smoke that I can't distinguish things 2 feet in front of me. It's a long time before I realize that this is strategic. Again, what am I missing? I'm not sure how I ended up in this place. But ...

Hello Madrid

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I’m back in Madrid for the first time in nearly five years. It seems almost impossible that it’s been that long. I have a nervous energy that’s similar to calling an estranged friend. “I’m sorry, I should have called sooner…” Anything to blurt out to break the ice. A guilty energy. To my surprise I’ve missed the ...

German Sarcasm

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I watch the table in front of me bark orders at the waiter. He scrambles backwards into the kitchen. After he’s done filling their requests, he circles to my table. He bends over to clear the plate in front of me. I’ve eaten everything, there’s barely any indication that there was food on the plate. “How ...

That Taste in the Morning

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I haven’t listened to any music for over a week. I can’t remember the last time I went a day without filling every quiet moment with background noise. But now it’s silent and I can’t bring myself to listen again. Lyrics from different songs continue to run through my head: “Black eyed angels swam with ...