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The Engine

Posted on 1 min read

I’ve been reading a lot of science fiction. Probably too much science fiction. The book I’m reading now is a strange novel from the 80’s called Armor. In it, the main character has an internal locus of survival that he calls, “The Engine”. It pushes him, drives him forward, and keeps him alive. It kicks in when he is terrified and scared, blocking out the rest of the world, and leaving that small space in front of him in which to operate. The thought of it makes me queasy, and questioning of my own life, of my own “Engine”. The terror is that to live like that, is to live …

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Extrapolate Nothing

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A girl flew from Park City to visit me in Denver. A local girl, I met her while I was there for Sundance. We had texted back and forth for awhile before she booked her flight. Despite the wide-rimed glasses she wears, it didn’t take long after she arrived to realize that we had little in common. She liked art, shopping, and skiing. I like books, movies, and video games. Yet it didn’t matter, because she was pleasant to be around. It reminded me of a relationship from years ago. Not one of the great loves of my life, but a very loving relationship none-the-less. And I thought to myself, …

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Living on memories

Posted on 2 min read

The plane continues to sit on the runway of the Frankfurt airport, the CGI instructional video playing over and over on a loop that streams into the seats. A rare delay for an ugly and efficient airport. This time I leave Germany in relatively the same state as when I arrived. When I was younger, I only wanted to live with memories. The very existence of them seemed meaningful. As if they could feed, cloth, and keep me happy. If that were the case, this trip would be able to provide for me for a long time. A mostly loving, peaceful and idyllic trip: joy from my daughter, and copacetic …

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Pedestrian

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I’m sitting in a Doctor’s office in Munster, Germany. I can’t even truly tell what’s wrong with me. I was woken up in the night by a screaming in my ear. I thought it was a siren on the street coming towards me, until the headache kicked in, and then I realized it was within my own head. But it wasn’t the feeling of a scream, my ear was actually screaming, until it reached a nadir where I thought I would go deaf from pain and noise. And then a pop. Pressure released, and fluid started to pool in my ear, and then pour out onto the pillow. I tried …

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Munsterland

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Every time I open the door, I’m drawn to pictures of someone else’s life. An AirBnB, they’re everywhere in the apartment: friends posing, drinking, celebrating, mostly all young attractive girls. Oddly, none of the pictures are of the boyfriend who let me into the flat. All of the pictures are hung high on the walls so that they hit me almost exactly at eye level. There are so many, I have to start taking them down so that I don’t become depressed by comparison. It’s the same reason I rarely go on Facebook. It’s an idealized life, and one that can’t be reconciled with my current situation. Other than the …

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Feels Real to Me

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Today is unusual because some of the clouds are distinguishable from each other. They have features and colors, instead of the usual complete opaque radiating grayness that sits overhead like warm artificial light, in an upscale furniture chain store. Sometimes I can’t believe that this sky is the same sky that I see. That the clouds are the same clouds that I live under (if Colorado had any clouds). It feels like another planet, one that I was built for, but left a long time ago. Ironically, here, in this tonality, heaven feels real to me. …

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