What is it about alcohol that leaves me in a dire mood the next day? I never used to feel the depletion of dopamine, but now Elliot Smith lyrics pound in my head next to a dehydrated hangover. ”A happy day, and then you’ll pay.”
There is positivity in the recovery. A creativity in the dark mood that infects the day after. Is this what it means to get older? I feel better at 31 than I did at 30. And I felt better at 30 than I did at 29. But now there are intrinsic changes happening, even while the core muddles on in the same way it has for 15 years.
Does the sunlight look different today? What has changed? Because something has, but I can’t tell what. The change is irreplicable and catalytic. Like all change is. But I’ll have to wait for years, simply to understand what’s happened to me today.