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A Younger Me

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Middle age comes on hard. People like to say it’s a state of mind. I don’t disagree, but there are elements that are unavoidable, regardless of your mindset. I often times think about what I would say to a younger “me”. It’s seems like such a waste that despite all of the mistakes I’ve made, they will have to be repeated by the human race ad infinitum. A part of the life experience, I suppose. But if that were actually true, I wouldn’t be jealous of my younger self. I keep hoping that something from that old version of me rubs off on the person I’ve become. …

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Giving up the Ghost

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From November, 2015: What am I missing? What am I not seeing? I’m in a club so full of smoke that I can’t distinguish things 2 feet in front of me. It’s a long time before I realize that this is strategic. Again, what am I missing? I’m not sure how I ended up in this place. But I’m with someone that I used to love. In fact, I probably loved her more than I’ve ever loved anyone, besides my daughter. But instead of love, I feel empty. I can’t tell if it’s because we’ve drifted too far apart, or if it’s the smoke, or the drinks, or if I’ve …

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Hello Madrid

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I’m back in Madrid for the first time in nearly five years. It seems almost impossible that it’s been that long. I have a nervous energy that’s similar to calling an estranged friend. “I’m sorry, I should have called sooner…” Anything to blurt out to break the ice. A guilty energy. To my surprise I’ve missed the city. It’s not that I didn’t enjoy my time in Madrid, it’s that despite all of the time I spent here, I never felt like I lived here. I was too involved in my studies, in a relationship, in a bubble, to ever really feel a part of something. So it’s surprising when …

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German Sarcasm

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I watch the table in front of me bark orders at the waiter. He scrambles backwards into the kitchen. After he’s done filling their requests, he circles to my table. He bends over to clear the plate in front of me. I’ve eaten everything, there’s barely any indication that there was food on the plate. “How was the meal?” he asks, in clear English. “Terrible. I want my money back,” I respond jokingly, before I can realize where I am. A look, not of horror, but resignation crosses his face. Shit. My mind goes to an Economist article that talked about the difficulty in conveying sarcasm in Germany. “I’m kidding, …

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That Taste in the Morning

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I haven’t listened to any music for over a week. I can’t remember the last time I went a day without filling every quiet moment with background noise. But now it’s silent and I can’t bring myself to listen again. Lyrics from different songs continue to run through my head: “Black eyed angels swam with me”; “I think the thing you said was true, I’m going to die alone and sad.” But the thought of listening to music makes my head split at the temple. Melancholia. How cliché, I’ve hated most of the things I used to love lately. Except for the things I used to fear, now they seem …

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Codependence No More

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There’s a young girl in the bookstore’s coffee shop that sits down in front of me. I don’t notice that she’s young at first, instead I notice her small hips, tight fitting gray hoodie, and thick wavy blonde hair. She’s small, cute and casual- if I had a type, that would be my type. Shit, that type hasn’t served me well. She turns to talk to me, to ask me a question about the wifi, and I see that she has large brown eyes. She looks slightly annoyed, maybe angry. Not with me, just in general, with life. Red flag. But when have I ever let something like that stop …

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Can’t Tell the Difference

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“Being with you, is like being with someone who is in love with someone else.” She said it casually, as if she had just realized it were true. And it is true. “And now I think I’m right,” she finished. I had been talking about the other person for nearly 20 minutes without realizing it. The girl should have left. She realized who I am, and she should have ended it right there. Ended it a long time ago when the thought first came to her. But she didn’t leave. She probably felt bad for me. Maybe she thought it was justifiable because it’s parental love. How do you hold …

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Daytime Downtown

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One of the things about getting older is that I don’t have as much time as I used to. But the loss of time doesn’t seem to bother me. I never truly appreciated it anyway. I always had a tendency to flow to the lowest common denominator. And what I know now is you only enjoy wasting time when you have little time to waste. Instead, I take quick walks around the office, squaring the streets of Downtown Denver. Moving through bookstores like an aberration, touching the spines of paperbacks and the covers of magazines. My hope being that just knowing their existence is enough to keep me attached to …

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The Engine

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I’ve been reading a lot of science fiction. Probably too much science fiction. The book I’m reading now is a strange novel from the 80’s called Armor. In it, the main character has an internal locus of survival that he calls, “The Engine”. It pushes him, drives him forward, and keeps him alive. It kicks in when he is terrified and scared, blocking out the rest of the world, and leaving that small space in front of him in which to operate. The thought of it makes me queasy, and questioning of my own life, of my own “Engine”. The terror is that to live like that, is to live …

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Extrapolate Nothing

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A girl flew from Park City to visit me in Denver. A local girl, I met her while I was there for Sundance. We had texted back and forth for awhile before she booked her flight. Despite the wide-rimed glasses she wears, it didn’t take long after she arrived to realize that we had little in common. She liked art, shopping, and skiing. I like books, movies, and video games. Yet it didn’t matter, because she was pleasant to be around. It reminded me of a relationship from years ago. Not one of the great loves of my life, but a very loving relationship none-the-less. And I thought to myself, …

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